Editing “A Dream Vision”

A Dream Vision

A fountain sits below this glass dome, shattered
by a pebble thought below the waning moon.
Lines cross over an Eden – his imagination.
Fighting man’s made society, the king’s decadence
in a dream. His god’s own land, a cruel place
split by a river of faith and of nature.
A fragment of feeling. The earth a temple
to nature. Lost buildings house the creative,
a grand palace to art under domed skies.

As part of the Three Random Word project this was inspired by the words “pebble, dream, feeling”. There were a couple of main changes to this when I came back to edit it. The line lengths changed, which they did with almost all of the 3RW poems because my style has changed and I now prefer the breaks in different places. I think this came from my being more comfortable with being a ‘visual poet’ rather than trying to force my writing to work when read aloud. The other thing with this poem was that I was trying to hard to be clever, I wanted to get a lot more in than was necessary and so I took a lot of the dead weight out of it. As you might guess from the title, this was about Kubla Khan but I also wanted it to be about Kublai Khan. The new version is more focused and subtle and so I much prefer it!

Original Version

A fountain sits below this glass
dome, shattered by a creative
pebble thrown below the waning
moon. Lines cross over an Eden –
his imagination.
Fighting man’s made society,
the king’s decadence in a dream
to lay at peace in his god’s land,
a cruel place split by a river
of god, faith and nature.
A fragment of feeling. Two horns –
of plenty and of Africa,
the earth a temple to nature,
lost buildings house the creative
a grand palace to art.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s