Stream of Consciousness

Yeah, if you’re reading this you probably already know how much Pat’s writing means to me, how much it has helped. This is a little different. I just saw a couple of tweets he wrote about finding joy in a small moment and letting it keep you going.

I have been doing really well, my meds are working (the side effects are shit though!) and I am about to announce some really exciting new projects. I am still unwell and have bad days, I have my monsters and yes, there are days I want to hide under the table and hate the world, fear it. But I am trying. I am trying to not let anger and hate and fear and sadness be the main forces in my life.

Joy has become my driving factor.

I don’t need a new handbag but looking at it, using it, owning it brings me joy.
I shouldn’t eat pizza but it brings me joy.
I should work more before I do the gardening, but the weather is good and being outside brings me joy.
I probably look like an idiot singing along to musical theatre when stuck in traffic, but it brings me joy.

When I am alone I sing and dance, I pull faces and I embrace joy. I am trying to do this more when I am with people. I am letting joy connect me, I am letting it pull me into this world, I am letting it become a part of me.

A part of me, away from the mental illness, away from the sadness, from the politics, from the hate and the fear. A part of me that I can share, joy that can multiply and spread.

I started writing this as soon as I saw the tweet at the top of the page. I wanted to get my thoughts out and speak directly without days of prevaricating and editing. I went to get a link and saw this as well.

Sometimes, things fall together. Sometimes there are ripples of joy.

Sometimes. Sometimes, that joy is you.

Vick x.

 

ps. Did this work? Should I do more just, write it out, don’t edit sort of blogging?

pps. Yes, I realise Pat Rothfuss being the inspiration for my first unedited blog is ironic…

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