corruption, a lesson in honesty

The word corruption is often linked to money.

I think for me, money corrupts, if you are aware of when I am online and offline you will have noticed that it is something I struggle with. I work and stop and this little blog of mine changes form, becomes a joy to me, and then falls silent again. I have a project and I work incredibly hard and a couple of people see it and then it is finished and I start all over again with the next idea.

For years I have been trying to find a way to figure out what the problem is and how to fix it.

I now know that the problem is two fold. 

One is that I want to be honest and also want to present a persona that doesn’t fluctuatr and change as I do in my own life.Two is that I want to make money.
Ouch. As a British person talking about money just sucks. It’s horrid and uncomfortable and makes me feel like a twit.

I have had a lot of projects that I have loved, some people have responded to well and some have barely been noticed. I have tried dozens (honestly, I have lost count but it’s over 20) of ways to use my skills, my creativity as a basis for an income I could build.

I made poetry inside tiny bottles, I wrote personalised poetry, I did poetry for special occasions, I did spine poetry, found poetry, book themed poetry, seasonal poetry, novels, novellas, linked short stories, epic poems, poems across the internet, poetry on postcards, art based poetry, scripts, travel writing, political poetry, translations, food writing, reviews…The list goes on.

Anyway, none of these things have made me money, never enough to need to declare it on a tax form. None of these things have ever made a lasting impact, on me, or on anyone else.

It’s sort of miserable. It makes me feel like a failure because it was my ‘never mind’. It allowed me to see endless negatives as steps rather than things to be addressed and overcome.

Never Mind that my mental illnesses have forced me to quit work, I can spend my time writing which is what I love.
Never Mind that I lost touch with my friends because of my anxiety, it gives me more time to write something important to me.
Never Mind that my disconnection from the world means my CV is empty even if I get well enough to work, I’ll put my energy into writing and that’ll be my proof.
Never Mind that I left politics, it will be useful in creating meaningful stories.
Never Mind all these dark and desperate thoughts, I will use them.
Never Mind that my depression meant I needed to return to my childhood home and extended family, I can create no matter where I am.

But. That’s not a good way of looking at it. I love creating weird shit. I love writing. I love travelling. I love cooking. I love reviews. I’m thrilled to be back where I loved growing up. 

There is a disconnect between where I am expending my effort, what is happening with it, the positive results and the negative ones.

And here it is.

I AM SO SICK OF ONLY ALLOWING MYSELF TO SPEND TIME IN A DIRECTION WHICH MAY MAKE MONEY.

SERIOUSLY.

I feel that the push for monetary success is poisonous to me. I am very mindful of the need for financial security. I’ve got that covered. I have never judged ANYONE based on their finances. No one except myself.

The guilt, the shame, the endless excuses and reasons I give myself and others, the fear and horror at someone asking what I do or how I earn money.

For the majority of my life I have been told that you can make money doing what you love, I believe it. For most of my life I have seen people use the internet, technology and new forms of communication to harness their passions into careers. Because I have not managed to do that I feel terrible inside.

Your way of making money is such a huge identifying factor in our lives now. Our job is a mainstay of our identity. And as I never had that I felt less than, less than friends, family, peers, strangers. I felt socially and morally inferior.

And there needs to be a conclusion. Let’s conclude.

I am done. I am done asking for money. I am done focusing on how to earn. I am done believing that if I love a project it will be successful.

I will try to only do what I love. I will try to remember that once I have gotten to financial security I am allowed to have passions that cost money rather than making it. I will try to remember that sometimes things that cost will make me richer. 

I don’t know what I will do next. I don’t know what this means for this site, Patreon, writing, poetry. I don’t know.

Honesty. Honestly.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s